Thursday, December 23, 2010

Quick note

At work...working on child death reports.  It's a good subject for me, it turns out.  (probably more about that some time).

Anyway, just heard an interview with Annie Lennox who 'came out' as having lost a child.  It was powerful.  Crazy in a way isn't it?  We know how uncommonly common it is.  She took the opportunity to point that fact out.  How many women have experienced that pain.

Thanks, Annie.

To all who celebrate Christmas, I wish you many blessings, joy and happiness.

To all who celebrate the New Year:  much more of the same and peace and health.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Dipping my foot back in the pool.

Well, here I am again.

But there are some questions first, don't you think?

Where is 'here'?

Here is definitely not stuck in the land of infertility any more.  I guess technically, as it turns out, I was never actually infertile.  But certainly childless.  That hasn't changed.  Here, for now, is where I am after 7 pregnancies and 7 lost babies.  Here is where I am slowly figuring out my story.  Slowly telling it.

Who am 'I'?

I'm still your old friend, Shlomit.  But am I?  I always knew infertility would change me.  Oh, it's changed me.  Multiple Pregnancy Loss has changed me.  Seeing heartbeats only to see them stilled forever has changed me.  Depression has changed me.  Grieving has changed me.

Where was I?
I was in the trenches.  Actually, the truth is, after miscarriage # 6,  I threw in the towel, down for the count, beaten to a pulp - pick an image that works.  My blog accidentally self-destructed right around the same time I did.  The weight of infertility and the desperate sadness of losing another heartbeat, another baby all forced me to take one giant step back.  Maybe two or three.  And I didn't even ask 'Mama may I'?  Hell, I just did it.  I know you get it.  I think I kind of get it now.  But here I am.  Back.  Sort of.  Like a river, you can't dip yourself in the same place twice, right?  So I'm back in the blog-o-sphere but it's all different.  The blogs are.  You are.  And I know I am.

But here 'I' am.

Dipping my foot in.

Telling my own story.

Stay tuned.