Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Who am I?

Who am I now?
How did this happen?
How have I become an 'employee' who is considered sub par?
When I was headhunter for this job somebody saw something in me.
Now what do you see?
Sick. Lazy? Useless?
Why do I stay?
Golden handcuffs to which Ive become accustomed.
So what does it mean?
Am I who they think I am?
Who defines me.
How can they crush my spirit if I don't let them?
How did this happen?
Who am I now?

Needing some positive change. Your friend Shlomit checking in.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Story Continues

It seems that I'm good at starting...not as strong on the follow through!
But I trust the wait will be worth it for this piece.
I, along with several other women, was interviewed by a Canadian parenting magazine recently for a piece of pregnancy and baby loss.  Other than my weight (grrrr!) I'm very pleased with how our story was told.

There is a short video and a written piece and then if you feel like following any of the links, you will read other bits and pieces of our story.

They devoted Wednesday, 15 October on Today's Parent Twitter feed to a discussion about #babyloss.

And now....
Sharing our story

(aka Sandy)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Quick post about a sucker punch

Thank you blog and blogosphere and anybody who's hanging on here.

Been having a lot of 'flashbacks' from out of the blue - including an extremely vivid image/memory of myself wracked by anguish after being told our 6th pregnancy ended when our baby died.  Sucker punch.  Not as potent as the first time around but where the heck did that come from while I was innocently walking down the street?

I'm hankering to work on my next one woman show - I have a scene.  So it was good for something other than knocking me off kilter for a day or two.

Then, good 'ol fa.cebo.ok again.  A friend.  Well, maybe more of an acquaintance from way back.  Reconnected on f.b and find we share similar interests and politics.  I'm thinking here's a cool woman who is childless - she's part of 'our club'.  Today she announced (in the neatest way) that she is expecting.

Happy for her?  Yes.  Blah, blah, blah.
Another one bites the dust.

How come our club isn't growing?  Not that I wish this membership on anyone who doesn't want it.

Anyway....2 in a series of suckerpunches I felt like sharing.

Getting back up - maybe going to keep my dukes up for a little while.


Saturday, February 9, 2013

I've Been Nominated for an Award!

My friend Decemberbaby at SweetCrunchyJewy nominated me for a Liebster award. I’ve never heard of these awards before, but it’s an honour to be chosen. Here are the rules:
1) Tell 11 things about yourself.
2) Answer 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you.
3) Post 11 questions for those who will be nominated by you.
4) Nominate 11 bloggers.
5) Get in contact with those bloggers to inform them that you nominated them
It appealed to me because I like a challenge...and I was having a time coming up with a blog post recently.  
11 Things about me:
1.  I have been an aunt since I was 10 years old.  I can remember the day my oldest niece was born and the sense of pride I had at being an aunt.  To this day, I still revel in the role of aunt (and honourary) aunt!  I have 13 nieces and nephews and 26 grand nieces and nephews.
2.  I am overweight and it bugs me that it bugs me!  For much of my life I have been on the 'heavy' side - though I realize in hindsight that there was some cognitive distortion going on when I was a teenager cos when I look back at pics of me I can see that I was fairly average.  About 12 or 13 years ago I lost a whole lot of weight and really loved the way I looked and felt and the energy I had.  Now I've slowly put it back on and I can't stand the way I look in pictures, etc.  I know what to do to lose weight yet I resist sticking to anything.  I am working on accepting myself for who I am AND getting some of the weight off so that I can be healthier, be stronger and like myself in pictures again. 
3. I am very comfortable on stage.  Although I do understand that I am mainly an introvert (i.e. I recharge my batteries by making sure I have down time) I am completely comfortable on stage.  I am a musician and I recently wrote and performed a one woman short, autobiographical play.  I also love to talk to groups of people - either facilitating a discussion or giving a presentation on the work I do.   This doesn't mean that I don't get a little nervous before a 'performance' because I do - but the nerves are not related to being on stage in front of a group of people cos that I love! 
4. I don't really enjoy cooking.  It's not that I'm not a good cook - when I have to and/or when I set my mind to it, I can whip up good, tasty food.  The thing is, I've never been very inclined to it and it's not something I enjoy very much.  Lucky for me Sariel LOVES to cook and does all the cooking in our house.  I sometimes feel bad cos it might be nice for him to come home to a home cooked meal.  But generally when I feel that way, I suggest we eat out and he gets to pick the restaurant!

5. I don't like winter.  Born in Canada.  Raised in Canada.  Have experienced many Canadian winters.  Have tried skiing (downhill and cross country) and skating (which I do enjoy) but really, really dislike winter.  There's no way around it.  I accept it but do not enjoy it, even an iota.
6. My tonsils partly grew back after a tonsillectomy.  Weird, huh?  Had my tonsils removed days after I turned one due to severe, recurrent ear aches.  Recently found out that they are back - small and misshapen, but there they are.

7. I believe that I was South Asian in a previous life.  No explanation, just a gut feeling.

8. I have called in sick to finish a book a was reading.  I'm not necessarily proud of this fact, but it's true.  I've actually done this more than once but not in the last 10 years or so.  I am a passionate, avid reader and sometimes I get so drawn into the world of the book that I can't pull myself out to join the real world.

9. I was born into an Orthodox family.  Orthodox Christian, that is.  My journey to Judaism is long and complicated and the subject of the One Woman Show I recently performed.  Suffice to say, I knew from a VERY EARLY age that I was Jewish.  Turns out I had Jewish ancestors - not uncommon for people like me.

10. Owning a house brings out my worst anxieties.  I have owned two 100 year old homes in my life.  Both were in reasonably good shape, the first one especially had been renovated just before I purchased it with my good friend.  But the constant worry about the roof, the basement, the yard, the walls, the ants, the mice, the everything just about drove me mad.  Tried again with Sariel but had the same result.  We have been living in a condo for just over a year and I am still grateful EVERY DAY (literally!!!) to not have the worry of a house.  It has made a huge difference in my peace of mind.

11. My brother and I didn't speak for 10 years.  I have 3 brothers and 1 sister - I am the youngest.  I have a very religious (Christian; see #9) brother who took great exception one day when, during a discussion, I took the "Lord's name in vain".  I know this is a touchy area for my family and I mostly am able to restrain myself.  But this time we were having a heated discussion and it slipped out.  And then he just stopped speaking to me.  After 10 years we slowly started being civil to each other.  When I came out to my family as Jewish, he took great offence which set our 'relationship' back quite a bit.  So be it.  I committed to be civil to him for the sake of our elderly parents.  So now we are civil to each other and can actually stand to be in each other's presence for periods of time.  Oh, and one of his grown kids (my niece) 'de-friended' me on facebook because of my support of LGBTQ rights.  

Now, D Baby has asked a bunch of questions that I’m supposed to answer. Let’s see how I do with these!
1. What’s your passion in life?  Tough question!  I am passionate about justice, inclusion and equal rights for all!!  I am passionate about Judaism!  I am passionate about my partner and our relationship!  Life is great when they all come together!!!
2. Given the option, what time would be the “perfect” wake-up time for you?  I am definitely a night owl who has slowly adjusted to 'normal' life over the last several years.  Because of life long insomnia I have to practice good sleep hygiene.  But, in an ideal world, a perfect wake up time for me would be about 11:00 a.m.
3. What’s your favourite mode of transportation?  I can see I am not good at answering questions with one answer!  I love walking - I love the pace, the proximity to the ground and things around me.   I love taking it all in - sights, sounds, smells - and walking does that for me.  I love cycling because I would love to fly and I think cycling is the closest feeling to flying. For long distances, I love trains.  I fly on airplanes a lot for work and pleasure but the pleasure of that has worn off over the years.
4. What do you think of The Simpsons?  I think it's a clever, funny show for adults.  I think it's gone on waaaay too long!
5. If you were a food, what kind of food would you be?  A pomegranate.  Obvious fertility references aside, I love the pomegranate because it is one surprise after another.  An interesting colour, shape and texture on the outside.  A surprising sweet/tart fruit on the inside.  A challenge to get to the fruit but so worth it when you take it and savour it!
6. What’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken? Did it pay off?  Leaving the religion and culture of my family.  I risked losing them all.  Losing everything.  No question though - it paid off!  I am living the life my soul was meant to live.  I am integrated, whole and at peace.  Completely worth it!
7. If you didn’t have to work for a living, how would you spend your days?  Some combination of spending time with children, music, ocean, Sariel and reading.  Oh, and cycling and walking!
8. What’s your favourite charity?  Ve'ahavta.
9. If you had two hours a day all to yourself with absolutely no other obligations, how would you spend them?  Reading.
10. What’s the best book you’ve read lately?  The Last Runaway by Tracy Chevalier.  EXCELLENT!!!!
11. Why do you blog?  To help me tell and figure out my life's story.  I am creating, on my own and with Sariel, a life that is not the one I had planned/hoped.  I don't want to just be a passive observer I want to be a dreamer and shaper and live with intentionality.  The blog, while it might not seem like it, is an outlet that helps me do that.
And now, here are your 11 questions:

1.  What did you want to be when you grew (grow?) up?
2.  What style of underwear are your favourite?
3.  What's the best thing about being an adult?
4.  What's the worst thing about being an adult?
5.  What does spirituality mean to you?
6.  What's your favourite food?
7.  If you had to be another person for a day, who would you be?
8.  What do you first notice when you meet somebody new?
9.  What's your favourite season and why?
10.  What happens after we die?
11.  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

I'm not sure I currently know 11 bloggers anymore!!!
Here goes:
Loribeth, Gil, Ms. C and anybody else who visits my blog or used to visit my old blog!!

Thanks Decemberbaby.  That was tougher than I thought it would be but all in all, I enjoyed it!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Upcoming Blog Post Preview!

My friend Decemberbaby at SweetCrunchyJewy nominated me for a Liebster award. I’ve never heard of these awards before, but it’s an honour to be chosen.

I decided to do it because I thought it would take less brain energy than coming up with a post.  Hmmmmm...more challenging then I thought and taking longer than I had hoped.

I am on vacation as of next Friday...I will have it done by then!

Here's a description so that you can start thinking about what you're going to write when you're nominated!

1) Tell 11 things about yourself.
2) Answer 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you.
3) Post 11 questions for those who will be nominated by you.
4) Nominate 11 bloggers.
5) Get in contact with those bloggers to inform them that you nominated them

If you're reading this 
and haven't yet accepted 
the prestigious Liebster award, 
consider yourself nominated 
by me!


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Heartbreaks

A good friend is 12 weeks pregnant and just went for her first ultrasound.

Everything looks good and she just posted the Ultrasound pic on Facebook.

It's all I can do to click 'like'.  Cos I DO like this.  I'm happy that she and her partner want to be pregnant and have a second child.  And pregnancy really does seem to agree with her.

Yet I also have to look away.

Those ultrasound pictures and stories get me every time.

Such a trigger.

I can't just look at them and be unreservedly happy for the prospective parent(s).

Because I have seen the same picture, the same heartbeat and know that it can disappear.

That first ultrasound seems like it might be some kind of guarantee.  Perhaps particularly for those of us who have lived with infertility and all that it entails.  You kind of feel like - Phew - we made it.  We've gotten ourselves pregnant and we see a live baby on the monitor!!

I just don't think that way any more.  And I know I never will.

That's one of those permanent changes, brought to you by infertility and pregnancy loss.

A heart can beat.  And a heart can stop beating.

A baby can be alive - developing safely inside you.

And the baby can die.

The bitter part of me (yes, it's still in there, rearing it's ugly head from time to time) wants to post a comment saying:  "Beware!  That's no guarantee.  I have a whole stack of those pictures and no baby to show for them.  I have heard a doctor say, more than once, 'I'm sorry - the baby died.'"

And I have looked at my useless pictures and felt my heart break into a million pieces.

But I won't write that.  That's my story.

And I hope her story has a completely different ending.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Meme I'd Consider

Hey All,
My friend Lori Beth over at Road Less Travelled did this meme and I kinda liked it.

I don't generally join in on these things and honestly the secular/Christian new year has never done much for me...I'm more inclined to committ myself to better ways during Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement).

And yet, here I am...I'm gonna do this thing because I look forward to the challenge it will bring me to think hard, dig deep and be honest.  Perfectly honest.

1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I usually decide during Rosh Hashanah the things I will re-commit to in the next year.  I have committed to reducing the amount of 'lashan hora' in which I participated.  For me this mostly refers to gossiping and speaking ill of others, especially when not in their presence.  My workplace has become more challenging over the last few years with a manager who causes a lot of havoc amongst team members.  I was sliding down the slippery slope of 'venting' and 'problem solving' which led, inevitably towards 'gossip'.  And I have certainly put an end to that.  I still vent sometimes but I am more aware of what specifically I am venting about and what I plan to do to improve the situation.  And venting does not take the form of personal attacks on anybody but is more about situations.  It can still be a challenge since some of my colleagues still try to take things there and I have to be strong and re-commit to being the person I want to be.

2. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

  • Together with my Sariel, we bought and moved into a condo!  And I can tell you that I was MADE for condo living!  We started 2012 in here and I'm sure we mention to each other at least 5 times per week how much we love living here!

  • We hosted family from the Netherlands - here and in our guest suite and threw them a big reunion party in our condo's party room.  Usually they stay with my parents and siblings in the Niagara Region and, being the youngest, this was the first time they stayed with me!  We had a blast and so enjoyed reconnecting with these members of my family - some of whom I hadn't seen in probably 35 years.  Strangely enough, I'd seen my Netherlands relatives more recently than most of my Canadian ones!

  • Took a plane trip with Sariel, our friend L and her 3 kids.  We only went to Miami for a few days but we've been talking about doing this for a while.  We all consider ourselves each other's family, have dinner together a few times per month and every year we go to a cottage or similar but this time we wanted to do a beach holiday - so we did!  It was fun flying with the kids - more fun than with Sariel who just goes to sleep as soon as he gets on the plane!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

  • I'd say.  By the time 2012 drew to a close I had 6 more grand nieces and nephews!
  • A good friend of ours also had a 2nd child early in the year.
It was tough.  We are, as usual, so happy each time a friend, family or other loved one has a baby and yet it kind of hurts too.  Inevitably I think about what our little family would look like if any of our pregnancies resulted in a live baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.  But I felt the loss of David Rakoff very keenly this year.  I was and still am shocked at his passing and miss him very much.  Also Adam Yauch, from the Beastie Boys - I feel as though I grew up with him.  Finally, Isaiah Sheffer the creator and host of Selected Shorts - his passing shocked me and every time I hear his voice on a past episode I get chocked up thinking that we will never hear from him again.

5. What countries did you visit?

I stayed in North America this year, visiting New York City a couple of times and Florida once.  I also saw parts of Ontario for work and pleasure.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Less stress.  Or perhaps better tools for coping with stress.  I think at times I let stressful situations get the best of me and it had a very detrimental effect on my physical and mental health.

The flip side, I guess, is to have better health, consistently.  That would be great!

7. What date(s) from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
28 July 2012 is the date.  It was the day our WHOLE FAMILY (50+ members) were together in one spot to celebrate my parents' 60th Anniversary.  Everybody was able to make it, the weather was perfect, sunny but not too hot.  There were lots of new babies on hand and my parents were both, thankfully, in very good health that day!  My parents' actually anniversary is 3 August but that didn't really make a difference.  It was a beautiful day that I will never forget! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Hmmmmm.....I'm inclined to say 'surviving'.  But it's more than that.  I have worked very hard to deal with the various ailments I've suffered over the past year (and longer).  I have worked hard to make peace with my body, to listen to what my body needs and to not be bullied into making decisions that are not good for me by a boss who is quite unreasonable when it comes to self care.  I've learned to stand up for myself and advocate for myself in this area - a big achievement for me!  This is something I very much continue to struggle with but I have made good progress and feel good that I will continue to grow in 2013.
9. What was your biggest failure?

See above.  I had some major illnesses and injuries in 2010 and 2011.  I thought I'd learned my lesson, but I clearly hadn't.  I continued to ignore my body, put my work over my health and push myself instead of giving my body what it needed.  I can't get that time back but I am more committed than ever to do the right thing for myself.  To prioritize self care above all.  Because, and I KNOW it's a cliche, but I am no good to anybody if I don't take better care of myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I continued to struggle with a weak immune system in 2012 and, in addition to that, I discovered in July that the previous January I had ruptured a disc and had two herniated discs.  This was not welcome news.  I have yet to get this back pain under any kind of regular control and I continue to see various specialist and try various measures.  I am also working with my doctor to better understand why I get sick so often and why I get as sick as I do each time.  The journey continues in 2013.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I guess I've already mentioned the condo, eh?  

If we don't count that, then it's a toss up between a very cool, vintage contour lounge chair that reclines, heats up and vibrates!!!  

OR the trips we took - these are not things but experiences:  a week at a vocal camp that was transformative for both of us and a week in NYC during which we had absolutely nothing planned and just hung out, saw whatever music appealed to us, checked out some new restaurants and generally just absorbed the city in a very laid back way.  To name a couple of our experiences!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My friends and their kids.  They have 2 teen agers and one pre-teen.  Life in their house can be a little hectic and sometimes very tense.  Relationships have been strained.  But my friend and her partner really committed to working together and, ultimately, the kids did too.  They made so much progress in their relationships and I'm really, really proud of each of them!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 

Ugh.  I don't want to give my boss any more air time.   So I won't.
I'd have to say the Prime Minister of Canada by selling away our natural resources and removing key environmental protections.  And also, some of the Republican and Tea Party candidates and supporters.  They are pushing women's rights so far back that it's actually frightening.  Some things I never thought would be up for debate were given serious air time?!  As women and as citizens of this planet I can see we need to be more determined and work harder than ever to save ourselves and our planet.

Sadly, I have to add a friend's partner to this list.  He has shut himself off from my friend completely and to a frightening extent.  Their marriage will likely not survive and they will have to help their two young daughters cope with all of this.  I feel so, so sad for my friend and what she's going through.  It is extremely painful and, while I'm not living it, I find it almost inconceivable that my friend's partner cannot step up and give of himself.  Ugh.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mostly child support and travel for Sariel's daughter (to come here for custody visits) and our own travel.  We are suckers for travel.  Also, we still spent a fair amount on eating out, especially when we first moved to the new neighbourhood and discovered all of these fantastic restaurants (and their great wine lists!!) within walking distance.  But in the past 6 months we've been more focused and reigned it in much more!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

I'm really, really, really excited about the one woman show I'm going to perform next week.  This has it's roots in 2012 cos that's when I signed up for the group/course.  We've been working together with our amazing coach since October and it's been challenging, scary and above all exciting!  Who knows where this will lead in 2013?

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Definitely the Honour Quodlibet that we learned from Dr. Ysaye Barnwell at Worldsongs Vocal Camp this year!  Check it out! 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

a.) happier; b.) about the same?  c.) maybe a touch poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Getting out in nature:  walking, hiking, skating.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Been sick and housebound.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Sick with the flu in my lovely contour lounge chair watching films with Sariel. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? 

I fall in love with Sariel pretty much every day.  And there were a few more people I realized I love over the course of this year.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I must confess that I am a geek and don't watch TV.  

I'm a huge radio fan and I have lots of favourite radio programs such as Selected Shorts, This American Life, The Moth, Snap Judgement, A Prairie Home Companion, Fresh Air, etc.  I also like Weekend Edition and Will Shorts the Puzzle Master.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year? 

Hate is so tiring.  I have had fleeting feelings of hatred toward a number of politicians.  I could probably conjour up some hatred for some of them right now if I had to.  But I can't sustain hatred for very long.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm a voracious reader so this is TOUGH!!!  But I'll say The American Way of Eating by Tracie McMillan. The author goes undercover for 3 months each working in the fields, working in a grocery store and working in a restaurant.  She talks about her experiences in the food industry, the lives of others who work in the industries and the story of the food we eat.  Riveting.  I'm a big fan.  And this from somebody who reads more fiction than non-fictrion.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Well, I know she's been around for a long time, but I've got to say Diana Krall and her new album 'Glad Rag Doll'.  

Here's the confession:  Initially I wasn't a huge fan of hers when she first came on the scene - nothing really about her but I was into other kinds of music.  Thenshe hooked up with Elvis Costello, for whom I had been carrying a flame for oh so many years!  On top of that she had kids with him.  That was it, I couldn't stand mention of her or hearing her voice.  Petty, I know.  

Then I heard her interviewed on some NPR show this year and I thought she was kind of cool.  They played a few tracks off the album, and I was hooked.  So there you go, in 2012 my greatest musical discovery was Diana Krall!
26. What did you want and get?
Love, friendship, travel.
27. What did you want and not get?

  • To be out of debt.
  • To see Loretta Lynn (had to give the tix away cos I was sick)
  • To see kd lang (ditto)
  • To have a long period of good health.

28. What was your favourite film of this year? 

Sleepwalk with Me.  But I was predisposed to like this because I am a fan of Mike Bribiglia, had heard his piece about this story and I'm an even bigger fan of Ira Glass who helped produce the film and had a small cameo role.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

This year I turned 46 and I went to work (I don't always).  Something very significant happened for the children of our province as this year a motion was put forward in our Legislature to call May 14 the Day of Children in Care.  Now everybody where I work talks about May 14.  And I sometimes quiz them about the other important event of that day.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Better health.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Tunics, layers, drapey.  And clothes that fit.
32. What kept you sane?

Sariel.  My shrink.  My meds.  Red wine.  Good friends. The return of my family   doctor from maternity leave.  Vacations.  Wise colleagues.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I've got a thing for Doug Pettibone.  Don't worry - Sariel is well aware of it.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Canadian Government's omnibus bill in which we lost protection for so many of our natural resources and the Idle No More Movement in response, which has global support.  The most oppressed people in our nation are showing themselves to be, by far, the most courageous!
35. Who did you miss?

David Rakoff.  I can't explain.  I just miss him.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Tracey Erin Smith, my new guru and the woman behind SoulOTheatre.  She is a beautiful inside and out, talented, inspiring, butt kicking, amazing woman and I am so grateful to know her and to have had a chance to work with her!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. 

Listen to your body.
Listen to your self.
I have a story to tell - many in fact - that others would want to hear.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"We've all got to have a place that we come from, the place that we come from is called home.  We set out on our travels, we do the best we can, we travel this great earth that we roam.  Even though you may love this place that's on the map, it's ain't where you from, it's where you at."  (Mos Def, Habitat from the album Black on Both Sides)