Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reinvention Convention Update

Well, have you been sitting there with baited breath waiting for my update?

Nah, didn't think so.

But do not dismay, despite radio silence the wheels of life have been turning.  

Most significantly we put our house on the market and sold it - whooo hoooo!!!!

A big deal on many levels....all the obvious ones like purging, staging, keeping your house in perfect order to that a viewing can happen at any time.  Offers that fell through, offers that felt like insults and finally the perfect (almost!) match.  A decent offer and a chance to start the next chapter of our lives.

The perhaps less obvious levels include yet another step in the 'letting go of the parenthood dream'.   No more extra rooms for kids and their stuff and their friends.  No more dreams of steps cluttered with books and socks and other kid related paraphernalia.  No more back yard for running around and digging in the garden.  No more 'kid friendly' street to learn to walk and bike and stroll.  No need for these things.  More than that, the need to move away from them.  

It's not like every day in our child-less house is torture -- far from it!  But as we imagine and create a beautiful, full life without children who live with us, a house does not seem necessary.  Let someone else raise a family here - use this space, inside and out, for plenty of kids and maybe some pets.  We don't need to take up all this space and in fact, in some ways, it's holding us back from the life we dream of living.

So we are moving into a 18 days!!!  

There, in a smaller space, with no outside maintenance and all the adult amenities at our fingertips, we carve out the next phase of Sariel and Shlomit's good life.  More time for cooking, playing music together, travel, walks, ice skating, backgammon and whatever else we feel like.

We leave behind the physical space that is our house, but take with us all the memories.   The many happy, peaceful, fun, amazing memories.  The many painful, gut wrenching, devastating ones too.  They are all part of us.

During this process, we've made a few concrete steps towards honouring and memorializing the seven little lost lives we carry around with us.

I had a beautiful bracelet designed that arrived just the other day.  On the outside of the bracelet the inscription reads:  

You never know how strong you are until 
being strong is the only choice you have.*

On the inside, the artist inscribed seven small hearts, 
one for each little life that never got to be.

It's not much maybe but it's a big step for try to somehow give words and images to all that I carry inside me.

We've also decided to observe the yarzheit for babies 6 and 7.  These were the two pregnancies which got the farthest and hurt the most.  We plan to place two special rocks beside Sariel's father's (z"l) stone, light a yarzheit candle out at the field and say kaddish.

In Judaism there are no traditional rituals for miscarriage - only once a baby has been 'born' - even still born.  But not before.  So we are reclaiming those rituals that make sense to us and honour the lives we loved and hoped for and dreamed about.

Well, I thought I'd write a whole lot more...there is certainly much swirling around inside.  I'll stop here...for now...and promise to visit again sooner!

For those who celebrate this New Year:  All the best to you and those you love!  May you be blessed with health, happiness and peace!


*I'm not certain who to credit for this, so if you know, please let me know!