Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Sucking up the blogosphere!

Wow....last post was 1 January!?!?!

What can I say?  You know how it goes....you write these brilliant posts in your head and never get around to sharing them. 

Ever since the cajillion (or so) miscarriages it seems that my immune system is kind of kacking out on me.  I've been catching one thing after another (bronchitis, strep throat, sinus infection).  Then I developed a pinched nerve in my back that had me bed-bound for almost a month!  As that finally healed enough that I could move around again - boom - I came down with shingles!?!?!?

I know.  I know.  In the grand scheme of things, none of these is a really big deal.  But to me they are.  The 'one-thing-after-another-ness' of it is wearing me down.  And when I'm worn down, I feel down.

And I seem to be surrounded by a baby-boom again.  My brother is expecting 4 grandchildren in June and July!?  Friends and friends children are having babies left, right and centre.

I am fully and completely out of the game.  I am scared to get pregnant for what it might do to my mental health should I have another miscarriage.  We bought a 2 bedroom condo, for pete's sake - no kids are on our agenda.

But still sometimes I'm just so sad.

Lately it's little boys.

I see little boys walking to school or on the bus or in the 'hood and I get this strange feeling that I am 'missing' my little boy.  It's an almost physical sensation that hits hard, takes me aback and makes me winded.  As in, it knocks the wind out of me.  I realize this may sound kind of nutty - but there you have it.  The sadness and depression of infertility and multiple pregnancy loss (aka multiple child loss) has made me a little nutty.

The good news is that I don't panic as much about this as I used to.  I don't worry that I'm falling towards the endless abyss of depression - the dark, dark place where I existed after we miscarriages 6 and 7.  I have worked hard, dammit.  I have the tools and supports I need to keep from going back there. 

Now I'm learning, trying to balance feeling those sad, sad feelings, honouring them...and moving on.  Moving on not too quickly but not too slowly either.

I can only presume that with all of the practice I'm having, I'll get better at this too.