Monday, July 11, 2011

Reinvention Convention

I may have been 'silent' but wheels have been turning, thoughts have been churning and ideas brewing.

After 6+ years of having 'parenthood' as a goal, Sariel and I find ourselves in a vacuum of sorts.  It's one thing to begin to come to terms with childlessness.  One BIG thing.

But then what?  What now?  Who are we?  What are we doing?  Where are we going?  Do we need to go somewhere?  What is family now?  Do we need this house we bought to have kids in?  What's it all gonna look like?

It's both anxiety provoking and exciting...this 'reinvention convention'* 
This exploration is so individual and yet so entwined in our 'couplehood'. 

Our family. 

There, I said it. 

We are. 

A family. 

Me and Sariel and sometimes his daughter.

A real, true family.

And we are are taking better care of our bodies - eating better, hiking, playing sports, getting active.

I am getting reacquainted with my body.  Going through the process of embracing who I am, all that I am, inside and out.  Trying to re-vision this body.  This body that, for the last several years has been a disappointment, an enemy amost. 

This empty receptacle. 

This barren womb. 

This poor responder.

This producer of lousy eggs. 

This miscarrier of 7 babies.

This ridiculously slow healing foot fracture.

I am learning to nurture, to cherish, to embrace, coddle and care for myself.  To love myself and accept myself.  Oddly,  in some ways, to parent my self in a way I wanted to parent.  In a way I wasn't parented.

And it's a long journey but one I do revel in from time to time.  I am learning to listen when I need to stop.  Or go.  Or run.  Or jump.  Or lay down.  I'm learning to integrate mind, body and soul -- those elements that were at great odds with each other for many, too many, years.

Other stuff is happening too, but that's for another post.

Hope y'all are well and living life fully!


*full credit to a good friend of mine, going through her own turmoil and transition, who came up with this term!