Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 4, 5, 6 and 7

No, no.  I haven't forgotten my challenge.  It's just that I've been distracted.
First by pain (see post 2 or 3), then by a weekend away and back to pain again.

At the moment, sitting at a computer is one of the least comfortable positions for me...so I'll keep this brief!

4th unexpected upside to not being a mother:
When I go places, I only have to bring what I need or might need.  And maybe a little what Sariel might need.  I don't have to carry snacks, extra snacks, diapers, cream, small amusing objects or anything I don't need or want!!!

5th unexpected upside to not being a mother:
Perhaps irritatingly similar to point #1 - I have endless amounts of patience for kids (especially adolescents) and they have endless amounts of patience for me.  I know it's precisely because I'm not their mother that they will put up with me fawning all over them and refocusing them on homework when they are trying to distract themselves...but I have to admit, I really enjoy it!!!  Yes, I do feel the teensiest bit guilty as I watch their parents look on with envy as I carelessly interact with the same 12 year old that has been giving them lip all day.  But really, what they get in the end is so much more huge than these little moments that I steal, I can't waste too much time on that eensy little bit of guilt.

6th unexpected upside to not being a mother:
When it comes to ethical dilemmas in my workplace, it is very difficult for parents not to 'think as parents'.  Without getting into too much detail about the type of work I do, this 'thinking as parents' can often be a liability when one is considering the rights of the child (rights...not 'best interests').  Although I have many important children in my life, I am not 'burdened', as it were, as my colleagues who are parents are by considering how these rights might apply to their own children.  And since my childless colleagues and I have to put up with the 'you wouldn't know since you don't have kids' thing all too often, I am embracing #6 with lots of gusto!!!!

7th unexpected upside of not being a mother:
I will always have pure, unadulterated, fantasy versions of what my child/ren would be like.  No messy reality to remind me that my child is not 100% perfect.  No, in our minds, our child is always just right!

Thanks for listening.

If you read between the lines you know I struggle still with parent envy.  This was my attempt to turn things on their head for a week.  Your participation was greatly appreciated!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.


Friday, November 30, 2012

Day 3 aka Let's Try to Stay Awake!

So here's the scoop:

This is day 3 of 7 in which I explain the suprising benefits of not being a mom (in our case not by choice).

And I am zonked out.  ZONKED!!!!  As I may have mentioned on Day 2, I threw my already injured back into some weird spasm.  As a result I have resorted to fairly strong pain medication and have been in a floaty, spacey, zone for the past 3 days.

So let's start there.  If I had a child (of any age), my mental state could be dangerous.  There is no way I could take care of a child who needs physical care and I would probably be the worst (or from a teen's perspective BEST) judge of what would be a safe, reasonable outing/curfew/etc. for a more independent child.

Today I spent the day watching corny television shows on Netflix on Sariel's android tablet, drifting in and out of sleep.  When I eventually stirred long enough to get myself off the bed and went through the HUGE task of making coffee, I decided to take a good long soak in the tub.  Did you hear that?  A GOOD, LONG SOAK.  Nobody knocking on the door, nobody jumping in with me, nobody nothing.  Just me, my smelly bath stuff, my deep, deep tub and a good book.  Sigh.

Tonight, we head out for a weekend long road trip when Sariel returns home from work....but that's for another post!


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

DAY 2 of Unexpected Benefits of Not Being a Mom

Sheesh...almost like I was asking for it!

So here is a REALLY unexpected benefit of not being a Mom.

I threw my (already injured) back out last night.  


How?  I do not know.  Pain?  Oh yeah!

I have yet to find a 'pain free' position or posture.

The kind of back pain where you have to resort to major pain medication, heating pad and laying flat on your back.

So, here's the up side:  

No guilt!  

No torn allegiances.  

I don't have children I either have to force myself to get up for and take care  

OR feel guilty that they are going without necessary interaction  

OR that the burden lands fully on Sariel!

Just pain.

No guilt.

Did I mention the pain?


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The Unexpected Benefits of Not Being a Mom - 7 posts in 7 days!

Here's my self-imposed challenge - try your own if you'd like!

I am going to post today and for the next six days about the unexpected benefits of being childless.  I look forward to this exercise with glee!

1.)  Staying 'cool'.

"Now what does that mean, Shlomit?"  (I know you're saying that...).
"I'm a mom and I'm cool."

But you're not.  Sorry.  You're a 'cool mom' maybe, yes.  But you are not 'cool'. 

And you are definitely not dope!

Although I may look outwardly like a 'mother', the kids in my life know I am not.  That puts me in a unique category.  They know a lot of mothers.  Most of their friends have mothers...sometimes two!  I am not one of 'those'.

Not me.  I am forever youthful.  Forever connected to childhood in a way that those that have children are not.  And kids know that.

(It's kind of like being an LGBTTQQ2SIA ally.  I can empathize. I can stand stand up for LGBTQ rights.  I have heard stories.  Heck, I've even been harassed for being gay.  But I'm not a member of the LGBTQ community.  I can stand alongside and cheer and be an ally.  That's my role.  I accept it.)

Tonight I am going on a date with a 15 year old friend of mine.  I have known her since birth and Sariel and I are very close to her parents and siblings.  She is currently going through adolescent angst hell.  She would rather eat rat poison than hang out with her parents.  Yet she is happily joining me tonight.  Happily.

And that's one of things that's great about not being a mom.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Daunting? Or Exciting? (publishing an old, unfinished post...just because)


I could write about....(gulp)...ANYTHING!!

Now that I'm not an 'infertility' blogger anymore, the blogging world is my proverbial oyster! (And truly, the only oyster I'm ever going to taste).  Somehow that thought makes me, in turns, a little intimated and very excited.

I'm taking a little break at work right now and figured I'd stop by.  There are a lot of things I want to share.  I guess some of them actually will be IF related - because I do want to talk about my journey back to me.  And at least some of that story has it's roots in where I was.

Given that we are verging on the secular new year, this might be a good time to talk about my body.  Why - you ask?  Because for sure I need to lose some weight.  So yes, I am part of the whole 'new year's resolution' cliche thing.  I'm gonna do it.  I'm bloody determined.

But it's loaded (isn't everything?).   I realize now that I've never been one of those people with healthy mind/body integration.  I have tended to 'abuse' my body by pushing myself, indulging, ignoring aches and pains...all that kind of stuff.  And over the course of my IF journey I became less and less integrated.  I can see it now.

I'm Still Standing....

I've got you singing now...admit it!

Hi folks...anybody out there?

Have you given up on me?

Hope not, though I wouldn't blame you.  

I have a feeling that I will be posting a little more often in the next while.  There are many thoughts and feelings churning - stuff I figured I'd dealt with but which is rearing it's head again.

I did something really risky recently.  I signed up for a course that will culminate in me writing and performing a one-woman show!  This opportunity threw itself into my path - an amazing course offered for free through my synagogue.  

Look at the title of my blog.  Telling a Different Story.  How could I pass up this opportunity?  I have struggled with various mediums to tell this story.  And now I'm trying another.  And I'm LOVING it!!!

One of the things we have been doing for 'home play' (not home 'work'...get it?  Don't you love it?) is 10 minute stream of consciousness writings on various topics.

Here's one I've tinkered with a little...let me know what you think.  And I promise to keep you posted on what's going on around here!


Here it is:
When I find out that I am going to be a parent I’m in a state of disbelief.  After months of trying, to hear that I’m pregnant puts me in a state of euphoria!!!  I feel relieved too.  I’ve been worrying that, despite my breeder genes, I am too old, my eggs are too old and/or maybe I have some fatal flaw that prevents me from getting pregnant.

It’s the first time that I’m pregnant and it doesn’t occur to me that I could lose this pregnancy.  I figure we just need a little extra help in getting pregnant and, now that we are, it’s going to be clear sailing.

We are both super excited and even though it’s fairly early in the pregnancy we start talking about our baby.  We talk about names:  boy?  girl?  both?

We think about how we’ll raise this child – what kind of parents we’ll be.  Who are role models are…and who they are NOT!  We talk about how old we’ll be when our baby is bar or bat mitzvah, in high school, in university. 

We talk about how we’ll tell Sariel's daughter.  How we’ll make sure we keep the door open for her and involve her as much as possible.  We try to prepare ourselves for her potential reaction and figure out how we’ll try to help her.

It’s always complicated when you are living with a child from a previous marriage and your partner’s ex-spouse.  It’s always an extra layer of complication. 

Will Sariel's daughter want to live with us and her new sibling?  Will she want to be closer, physically, to her dad?  To her sibling?

There is so much to say but I’m not sure where to go really. 

Pregnant at least 7 times I could tell this story 7 different ways.  All with the same ending.

I do not become a parent at the end.   

I am a statistic.   

A label.  

 I am infertile.  

 I am of advanced maternal age.   

I am a poor responder.   

A person with Multiple Pregnancy Loss.  

 A person with depression and anxiety.   

A mess really.  

And I want to run away.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Sucking up the blogosphere!

Wow....last post was 1 January!?!?!

What can I say?  You know how it goes....you write these brilliant posts in your head and never get around to sharing them. 

Ever since the cajillion (or so) miscarriages it seems that my immune system is kind of kacking out on me.  I've been catching one thing after another (bronchitis, strep throat, sinus infection).  Then I developed a pinched nerve in my back that had me bed-bound for almost a month!  As that finally healed enough that I could move around again - boom - I came down with shingles!?!?!?

I know.  I know.  In the grand scheme of things, none of these is a really big deal.  But to me they are.  The 'one-thing-after-another-ness' of it is wearing me down.  And when I'm worn down, I feel down.

And I seem to be surrounded by a baby-boom again.  My brother is expecting 4 grandchildren in June and July!?  Friends and friends children are having babies left, right and centre.

I am fully and completely out of the game.  I am scared to get pregnant for what it might do to my mental health should I have another miscarriage.  We bought a 2 bedroom condo, for pete's sake - no kids are on our agenda.

But still sometimes I'm just so sad.

Lately it's little boys.

I see little boys walking to school or on the bus or in the 'hood and I get this strange feeling that I am 'missing' my little boy.  It's an almost physical sensation that hits hard, takes me aback and makes me winded.  As in, it knocks the wind out of me.  I realize this may sound kind of nutty - but there you have it.  The sadness and depression of infertility and multiple pregnancy loss (aka multiple child loss) has made me a little nutty.

The good news is that I don't panic as much about this as I used to.  I don't worry that I'm falling towards the endless abyss of depression - the dark, dark place where I existed after we miscarriages 6 and 7.  I have worked hard, dammit.  I have the tools and supports I need to keep from going back there. 

Now I'm learning, trying to balance feeling those sad, sad feelings, honouring them...and moving on.  Moving on not too quickly but not too slowly either.

I can only presume that with all of the practice I'm having, I'll get better at this too.


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Childless? Who's childless?

Looking back on the last few posts I realize I haven't written much about the kids we do have in our lives.  Reading back made me realize how child-full we are!  Not in a 'consolation prize' kind of way...in it's own unique way.  In it's own particular way.

I thought I'd share a bunch of pictures of our 'kids'...certainly not an exhaustive rundown, but it'll give you a flavour.