Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Sucking up the blogosphere!

Wow....last post was 1 January!?!?!

What can I say?  You know how it goes....you write these brilliant posts in your head and never get around to sharing them. 

Ever since the cajillion (or so) miscarriages it seems that my immune system is kind of kacking out on me.  I've been catching one thing after another (bronchitis, strep throat, sinus infection).  Then I developed a pinched nerve in my back that had me bed-bound for almost a month!  As that finally healed enough that I could move around again - boom - I came down with shingles!?!?!?

I know.  I know.  In the grand scheme of things, none of these is a really big deal.  But to me they are.  The 'one-thing-after-another-ness' of it is wearing me down.  And when I'm worn down, I feel down.

And I seem to be surrounded by a baby-boom again.  My brother is expecting 4 grandchildren in June and July!?  Friends and friends children are having babies left, right and centre.

I am fully and completely out of the game.  I am scared to get pregnant for what it might do to my mental health should I have another miscarriage.  We bought a 2 bedroom condo, for pete's sake - no kids are on our agenda.

But still sometimes I'm just so sad.

Lately it's little boys.

I see little boys walking to school or on the bus or in the 'hood and I get this strange feeling that I am 'missing' my little boy.  It's an almost physical sensation that hits hard, takes me aback and makes me winded.  As in, it knocks the wind out of me.  I realize this may sound kind of nutty - but there you have it.  The sadness and depression of infertility and multiple pregnancy loss (aka multiple child loss) has made me a little nutty.

The good news is that I don't panic as much about this as I used to.  I don't worry that I'm falling towards the endless abyss of depression - the dark, dark place where I existed after we miscarriages 6 and 7.  I have worked hard, dammit.  I have the tools and supports I need to keep from going back there. 

Now I'm learning, trying to balance feeling those sad, sad feelings, honouring them...and moving on.  Moving on not too quickly but not too slowly either.

I can only presume that with all of the practice I'm having, I'll get better at this too.



  1. Dear Shlomit, I so understand that feeling of being worn down & overwhelmed. One thing at a time, I can usually handle -- but when it comes all at once, as it sometimes does, it can be exhausting.

    But it DOES get better. Take the time you need! Rome was not built in a day, you can't turn a ship on a dime, etc. etc. ; )

    Shingles suck. :( I had a mild case, & that was bad enough -- perhaps not so coincidentally, right around the time of my 40th birthday, when I was still in fertility treatment. When I did some reading on them, I learned they can be triggered by stress. Figures. :p Thankfully, I was at the dr about something else & asked him to look at the funny rash on my neck -- he immediately recognized it & gave me some meds that helped keep them from developing further.

    Sending you (((hugs))).

  2. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here and reading. And I really hope the string of bad health is at an end for you! Feel better honey. Much love and many hugs to you both.

  3. Ugh, the "one after anotherness" is the worst. I hope that you get a nice, long break soon!

    In terms of the grief - which is what it is - you already know that it comes and goes, but will always be there (even now, March 27, my first due date, punches me in the gut. And I often find myself wondering who squishy would be if I hadn't miscarried.)

    And yeah, grief does make you (in the general sense, not just you) a little nutty. But y'know what? We love you, nuttiness and all.

    Am here for you anytime. Still waiting for our coffee date op fiets.

  4. Ugh....the gut punch feeling....sometimes I actually have a physical sensation of deep, actual Pain in my exact center...like someone set a little bomb off somewhere around my solar plexus. Yesterday was our second anniversary....we should have a one year old...I miss him still, daily. So sad you have had to go through all of this...SUCKS!!