Spent too many years wandering through the wilderness of infertilty. Lost 7 babies, lost my hope, lost too much. Spent some time grieving and trying to figure stuff out. Still grieving, still figuring. Trying to tell this story. My story. Well, my new story.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
How do you spell relief?
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
I understand! A few years ago at Christmastime, dear AF was late -- very late. We were at my parents' (of course!) -- I felt like crap (not to mention totally stressed out). I was also furious. I felt like I had just gotten used to the idea that I was never going to be a mother, thanks to my non-cooperative body -- & here was my body, jerking me around, yet AGAIN. ARGH.
We wound up sneaking (like teenagers, instead of a middle-aged couple in their 40s) into a drugstore in the next town over (where I didn't think anyone would know who I was), with dh keeping lookout for my mom (who was shopping elsewhere in the same mall) while I bought a pregnancy test, trying not to look guilty & blush furiously in front of the sales clerk. I hid the bag with the test in my purse, and took it when both my parents were out of the house at one point. It was negative. I stashed the used test in our suitcase & threw it out once we got back home. AF finally showed up a few days later, on something like day 58 of my cycle. It was & still is my longest cycle ever.
But the fact that I actually felt dismay & even a little anger at the prospect of pregnancy at this late stage of my reproductive life told me I really had moved on, more than I had realized.
Oh, wow. If you're glad, I'm glad, my dear. : )
ReplyDeleteI understand! A few years ago at Christmastime, dear AF was late -- very late. We were at my parents' (of course!) -- I felt like crap (not to mention totally stressed out). I was also furious. I felt like I had just gotten used to the idea that I was never going to be a mother, thanks to my non-cooperative body -- & here was my body, jerking me around, yet AGAIN. ARGH.
We wound up sneaking (like teenagers, instead of a middle-aged couple in their 40s) into a drugstore in the next town over (where I didn't think anyone would know who I was), with dh keeping lookout for my mom (who was shopping elsewhere in the same mall) while I bought a pregnancy test, trying not to look guilty & blush furiously in front of the sales clerk. I hid the bag with the test in my purse, and took it when both my parents were out of the house at one point. It was negative. I stashed the used test in our suitcase & threw it out once we got back home. AF finally showed up a few days later, on something like day 58 of my cycle. It was & still is my longest cycle ever.
But the fact that I actually felt dismay & even a little anger at the prospect of pregnancy at this late stage of my reproductive life told me I really had moved on, more than I had realized.
Phew! It is such a relief to get the *desired* answer on one of those things, whatever your desired answer is.
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