One of the crazy people

And I mean that in the best way, of course.

Cos, technically, I am a crazy person.  And proud of it.

But you know what I'm not so proud of?  

Being associated with this:  All childless people are potential criminals!!!   

None of us can know what made this woman take this child all those years ago.  But apparently the press knows.  She says she had several miscarriage.  Full stop.  End of sentence.

While I admit to experiencing stress, distress, mourning and, yes, depression as a result of my journey with infertility, I resent the implication that 'a few miscarriages' tells the whole story.

HELLO?!?!?!  Where is the rest of the story?  You accept that as fact???

Wait a minute. 

Instead of complaining maybe I need to recognize this as an opportunity!  

I mean, if people already think I'm crazy cos I had S.E.V.E.N. miscarriages, doesn't that give me carte blanche to go ahead and engage in criminal activity?  Insanity caused by multiple pregnancy loss, that could be my defense!! 

Maybe not so much, eh?

Sheesh.

peace

shlomit

How do you spell relief?

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

peace

Shlomit

Well....

I have crafted 2 or 3 new posts...all about this new life.

Apparently I'm now slightly more of a perfectionist about blogging than I used to be.  I feel they all could use edits before publishing.


But now.

Shit.

Now I've got a new problem.

Now I think I'm f***ing pregnant again.


Sh*t.  

Fu*k.  

Da*n.


And I say that without an iota of ambivalence.

I DO NOT want to be pregnant.

I am definitely not up for pregnancy.

Nope.

Not me.

Not now.

Not ever.

How does a former infertility blogger get to the point where she is even contemplating terminating a pregnancy?  Is that sacrilege or what?  I can't imagine I'd ever do it, but the thought actually crossed my mind.


Yep.  That is where I am.  I am not up for this.  7 pregnancies.  7 miscarriages.  I'm 44.  And a half.  I don't want this.

Could it be peri-menopause?  I'm at that age, right?  Could be an irregular period?

Right?

Right?

I've been in denial for a few days.  But tonight the possible reality reared it's ugly head.

Too snowy and too many glasses of wine to go out and get a pregnancy test now.  But first thing in the morning I'm off to buy one...or two!  And first thing Monday morning, Sariel is gonna figure out the ins and outs of cutting off his seed!!

Ugh.  I don't expect you to understand.  Please just stand beside me.


And stay tuned.

Peace
shlomit

Quick note

At work...working on child death reports.  It's a good subject for me, it turns out.  (probably more about that some time).

Anyway, just heard an interview with Annie Lennox who 'came out' as having lost a child.  It was powerful.  Crazy in a way isn't it?  We know how uncommonly common it is.  She took the opportunity to point that fact out.  How many women have experienced that pain.

Thanks, Annie.


To all who celebrate Christmas, I wish you many blessings, joy and happiness.

To all who celebrate the New Year:  much more of the same and peace and health.

peace
shlomit

Dipping my foot back in the pool.

Well, here I am again.

But there are some questions first, don't you think?

Where is 'here'?

Here is definitely not stuck in the land of infertility any more.  I guess technically, as it turns out, I was never actually infertile.  But certainly childless.  That hasn't changed.  Here, for now, is where I am after 7 pregnancies and 7 lost babies.  Here is where I am slowly figuring out my story.  Slowly telling it.

Who am 'I'?

I'm still your old friend, Shlomit.  But am I?  I always knew infertility would change me.  Oh, it's changed me.  Multiple Pregnancy Loss has changed me.  Seeing heartbeats only to see them stilled forever has changed me.  Depression has changed me.  Grieving has changed me.

Where was I?
I was in the trenches.  Actually, the truth is, after miscarriage # 6,  I threw in the towel, down for the count, beaten to a pulp - pick an image that works.  My blog accidentally self-destructed right around the same time I did.  The weight of infertility and the desperate sadness of losing another heartbeat, another baby all forced me to take one giant step back.  Maybe two or three.  And I didn't even ask 'Mama may I'?  Hell, I just did it.  I know you get it.  I think I kind of get it now.  But here I am.  Back.  Sort of.  Like a river, you can't dip yourself in the same place twice, right?  So I'm back in the blog-o-sphere but it's all different.  The blogs are.  You are.  And I know I am.

But here 'I' am.

Dipping my foot in.

Telling my own story.

Stay tuned.

peace

shlomit