DAY 2 of Unexpected Benefits of Not Being a Mom

Sheesh...almost like I was asking for it!

So here is a REALLY unexpected benefit of not being a Mom.

I threw my (already injured) back out last night.  

Bad.   

How?  I do not know.  Pain?  Oh yeah!

I have yet to find a 'pain free' position or posture.

The kind of back pain where you have to resort to major pain medication, heating pad and laying flat on your back.

So, here's the up side:  

No guilt!  

No torn allegiances.  

I don't have children I either have to force myself to get up for and take care  

OR feel guilty that they are going without necessary interaction  

OR that the burden lands fully on Sariel!

Just pain.

No guilt.

Did I mention the pain?

peace
shlomit

The Unexpected Benefits of Not Being a Mom - 7 posts in 7 days!

Here's my self-imposed challenge - try your own if you'd like!

I am going to post today and for the next six days about the unexpected benefits of being childless.  I look forward to this exercise with glee!

1.)  Staying 'cool'.

"Now what does that mean, Shlomit?"  (I know you're saying that...).

"I'm a mom and I'm cool."

But you're not.  Sorry.  You're a 'cool mom' maybe, yes.  But you are not 'cool'. 

And you are definitely not dope!

Although I may look outwardly like a 'mother', the kids in my life know I am not.  That puts me in a unique category.  They know a lot of mothers.  Most of their friends have mothers...sometimes two!  I am not one of 'those'.

Not me.  I am forever youthful.  Forever connected to childhood in a way that those that have children are not.  And kids know that.

(It's kind of like being an LGBTTQQ2SIA ally.  I can empathize. I can stand stand up for LGBTQ rights.  I have heard stories.  Heck, I've even been harassed for being gay.  But I'm not a member of the LGBTQ community.  I can stand alongside and cheer and be an ally.  That's my role.  I accept it.)

Tonight I am going on a date with a 15 year old friend of mine.  I have known her since birth and Sariel and I are very close to her parents and siblings.  She is currently going through adolescent angst hell.  She would rather eat rat poison than hang out with her parents.  Yet she is happily joining me tonight.  Happily.

And that's one of things that's great about not being a mom.

peace

shlomit

Daunting? Or Exciting? (publishing an old, unfinished post...just because)

WOW.  

I could write about....(gulp)...ANYTHING!!

Now that I'm not an 'infertility' blogger anymore, the blogging world is my proverbial oyster! (And truly, the only oyster I'm ever going to taste).  Somehow that thought makes me, in turns, a little intimated and very excited.

I'm taking a little break at work right now and figured I'd stop by.  There are a lot of things I want to share.  I guess some of them actually will be IF related - because I do want to talk about my journey back to me.  And at least some of that story has it's roots in where I was.

Given that we are verging on the secular new year, this might be a good time to talk about my body.  Why - you ask?  Because for sure I need to lose some weight.  So yes, I am part of the whole 'new year's resolution' cliche thing.  I'm gonna do it.  I'm bloody determined.

But it's loaded (isn't everything?).   I realize now that I've never been one of those people with healthy mind/body integration.  I have tended to 'abuse' my body by pushing myself, indulging, ignoring aches and pains...all that kind of stuff.  And over the course of my IF journey I became less and less integrated.  I can see it now.

I'm Still Standing....

I've got you singing now...admit it!

Hi folks...anybody out there?

Have you given up on me?

Hope not, though I wouldn't blame you.  

I have a feeling that I will be posting a little more often in the next while.  There are many thoughts and feelings churning - stuff I figured I'd dealt with but which is rearing it's head again.

I did something really risky recently.  I signed up for a course that will culminate in me writing and performing a one-woman show!  This opportunity threw itself into my path - an amazing course offered for free through my synagogue.  

Look at the title of my blog.  Telling a Different Story.  How could I pass up this opportunity?  I have struggled with various mediums to tell this story.  And now I'm trying another.  And I'm LOVING it!!!

One of the things we have been doing for 'home play' (not home 'work'...get it?  Don't you love it?) is 10 minute stream of consciousness writings on various topics.

Here's one I've tinkered with a little...let me know what you think.  And I promise to keep you posted on what's going on around here!

peace,

shlomit

Here it is:

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When I find out that I am going to be a parent I’m in a state of disbelief.  After months of trying, to hear that I’m pregnant puts me in a state of euphoria!!!  I feel relieved too.  I’ve been worrying that, despite my breeder genes, I am too old, my eggs are too old and/or maybe I have some fatal flaw that prevents me from getting pregnant.

It’s the first time that I’m pregnant and it doesn’t occur to me that I could lose this pregnancy.  I figure we just need a little extra help in getting pregnant and, now that we are, it’s going to be clear sailing.

We are both super excited and even though it’s fairly early in the pregnancy we start talking about our baby.  We talk about names:  boy?  girl?  both?

We think about how we’ll raise this child – what kind of parents we’ll be.  Who are role models are…and who they are NOT!  We talk about how old we’ll be when our baby is bar or bat mitzvah, in high school, in university. 

We talk about how we’ll tell Sariel's daughter.  How we’ll make sure we keep the door open for her and involve her as much as possible.  We try to prepare ourselves for her potential reaction and figure out how we’ll try to help her.

It’s always complicated when you are living with a child from a previous marriage and your partner’s ex-spouse.  It’s always an extra layer of complication. 

Will Sariel's daughter want to live with us and her new sibling?  Will she want to be closer, physically, to her dad?  To her sibling?

There is so much to say but I’m not sure where to go really. 

Pregnant at least 7 times I could tell this story 7 different ways.  All with the same ending.

I do not become a parent at the end.   

I am a statistic.   

A label.  

 I am infertile.  

 I am of advanced maternal age.   

I am a poor responder.   

A person with Multiple Pregnancy Loss.  

 A person with depression and anxiety.   

A mess really.  

And I want to run away.

Sucking up the blogosphere!

Wow....last post was 1 January!?!?!

What can I say?  You know how it goes....you write these brilliant posts in your head and never get around to sharing them. 

Ever since the cajillion (or so) miscarriages it seems that my immune system is kind of kacking out on me.  I've been catching one thing after another (bronchitis, strep throat, sinus infection).  Then I developed a pinched nerve in my back that had me bed-bound for almost a month!  As that finally healed enough that I could move around again - boom - I came down with shingles!?!?!?

I know.  I know.  In the grand scheme of things, none of these is a really big deal.  But to me they are.  The 'one-thing-after-another-ness' of it is wearing me down.  And when I'm worn down, I feel down.

And I seem to be surrounded by a baby-boom again.  My brother is expecting 4 grandchildren in June and July!?  Friends and friends children are having babies left, right and centre.

I am fully and completely out of the game.  I am scared to get pregnant for what it might do to my mental health should I have another miscarriage.  We bought a 2 bedroom condo, for pete's sake - no kids are on our agenda.

But still sometimes I'm just so sad.

Lately it's little boys.

I see little boys walking to school or on the bus or in the 'hood and I get this strange feeling that I am 'missing' my little boy.  It's an almost physical sensation that hits hard, takes me aback and makes me winded.  As in, it knocks the wind out of me.  I realize this may sound kind of nutty - but there you have it.  The sadness and depression of infertility and multiple pregnancy loss (aka multiple child loss) has made me a little nutty.

The good news is that I don't panic as much about this as I used to.  I don't worry that I'm falling towards the endless abyss of depression - the dark, dark place where I existed after we miscarriages 6 and 7.  I have worked hard, dammit.  I have the tools and supports I need to keep from going back there. 

Now I'm learning, trying to balance feeling those sad, sad feelings, honouring them...and moving on.  Moving on not too quickly but not too slowly either.

I can only presume that with all of the practice I'm having, I'll get better at this too.

peace
shlomit

Childless? Who's childless?

Looking back on the last few posts I realize I haven't written much about the kids we do have in our lives.  Reading back made me realize how child-full we are!  Not in a 'consolation prize' kind of way...in it's own unique way.  In it's own particular way.

I thought I'd share a bunch of pictures of our 'kids'...certainly not an exhaustive rundown, but it'll give you a flavour. 

Enjoy!

Reinvention Convention Update

Well, have you been sitting there with baited breath waiting for my update?

Nah, didn't think so.

But do not dismay, despite radio silence the wheels of life have been turning.  

Most significantly we put our house on the market and sold it - whooo hoooo!!!!

A big deal on many levels....all the obvious ones like purging, staging, keeping your house in perfect order to that a viewing can happen at any time.  Offers that fell through, offers that felt like insults and finally the perfect (almost!) match.  A decent offer and a chance to start the next chapter of our lives.

The perhaps less obvious levels include yet another step in the 'letting go of the parenthood dream'.   No more extra rooms for kids and their stuff and their friends.  No more dreams of steps cluttered with books and socks and other kid related paraphernalia.  No more back yard for running around and digging in the garden.  No more 'kid friendly' street to learn to walk and bike and stroll.  No need for these things.  More than that, the need to move away from them.  

It's not like every day in our child-less house is torture -- far from it!  But as we imagine and create a beautiful, full life without children who live with us, a house does not seem necessary.  Let someone else raise a family here - use this space, inside and out, for plenty of kids and maybe some pets.  We don't need to take up all this space and in fact, in some ways, it's holding us back from the life we dream of living.

So we are moving into a condo...in 18 days!!!  

There, in a smaller space, with no outside maintenance and all the adult amenities at our fingertips, we carve out the next phase of Sariel and Shlomit's good life.  More time for cooking, playing music together, travel, walks, ice skating, backgammon and whatever else we feel like.

We leave behind the physical space that is our house, but take with us all the memories.   The many happy, peaceful, fun, amazing memories.  The many painful, gut wrenching, devastating ones too.  They are all part of us.

During this process, we've made a few concrete steps towards honouring and memorializing the seven little lost lives we carry around with us.

I had a beautiful bracelet designed that arrived just the other day.  On the outside of the bracelet the inscription reads:  

You never know how strong you are until 

being strong is the only choice you have.*

  

On the inside, the artist inscribed seven small hearts, 

one for each little life that never got to be.

It's not much maybe but it's a big step for me...to try to somehow give words and images to all that I carry inside me.

We've also decided to observe the yarzheit for babies 6 and 7.  These were the two pregnancies which got the farthest and hurt the most.  We plan to place two special rocks beside Sariel's father's (z"l) stone, light a yarzheit candle out at the field and say kaddish.

In Judaism there are no traditional rituals for miscarriage - only once a baby has been 'born' - even still born.  But not before.  So we are reclaiming those rituals that make sense to us and honour the lives we loved and hoped for and dreamed about.

Well, I thought I'd write a whole lot more...there is certainly much swirling around inside.  I'll stop here...for now...and promise to visit again sooner!

For those who celebrate this New Year:  All the best to you and those you love!  May you be blessed with health, happiness and peace!

Shlomit

*I'm not certain who to credit for this, so if you know, please let me know!